Ok so life lately has been a bit squiffy. My sister had her daughter in October last year and has been suffering with PND ever since to the point that she recently got sent for a psychiatric analysis at a mental health ward after suffering with suicidal thoughts. I'm grateful that medical experts have realised she needs help and she's getting it but I still worry about my two nieces she has custody of. (I should probably explain she has 3 daughters, all by different fathers, her eldest T is 7, her middle is S and she's 5, and the baby is A and she's almost 4 months old) well S lives with her father permanently, T's dad bailed when T was 6 months old and not been seen since and Baby A's dad is my sister Abby's current partner.
Anyway my sister and myself both suffer with panic attacks. Mine started when I was 15 so I've ha them for 13 years and my sister has had hers for about 3 or 4 years now.
She mentioned it in her first medical assessment and they suggested our parents divorce was maybe a trigger for them. They divorced 13 years ago. It was a horrid divorce and not something I like to remember. There was lots of screaming, shouting and unfaithfulness that surrounded it and it basically all boiled down to my mums infidelity.
Anyway needless to say my dad threw my mum out and she subsequently moved in with her lesbian friend and my dad was devastated. I'm very close to my dad and my sister is very close to my mum. Well after about 6 months my mums friend bailed on her and left her high and dry with bill paying and debt to the point she couldn't afford to feed herself and was surviving on biscuits, so I made the decision to move in with my mum, broke my dads heart but I knew as the eldest child (there is only me and my sister) that I couldn't see her struggle so I went with my mum and my sister stayed with my dad.
Things were OK there. Mum got child benefit for me and tax credits which helped ease things and she could claim to help with her rent etc and I got a part time job in a garden centre. She basically from then treated me like a lodger and I paid my way but as soon as I moved in I knew thugs weren't right between us. She was still with phil, but she was cheating on him with Dave who was forever at the house when phil was back in Birmingham, as soon as she dumped Phil , she got with Dave and was instantly cheating on him with Steve, she then got with Steve officially and then cheated on him with several others......all the time with her daughter under the same roof. :-(
My sister moved in a year later after my dad was given a job in Chester (he's in the RAF) and he moved in with his girlfriend and Abby, being given the freedom from mum went off the rails, she did drugs, drank, had under-age unprotected sex and got in with the wrong crowd. My mother is hardly an ideal role model, she cheated, had sex with whoever wanted it, did drugs - she use to keep a cannabis pipe in the kitchen cupboard and my sister had two 'bongs' in her bedroom, I came home from sixth form to find my mum smoking cannabis in the kitchen one day to find my sister was in the local police station after being arrested on a drug charge. Ideal family life - NOT!
I should at this point reiterate I am my fathers daughter. I have never tried nor plan to try drugs, I smoked for 2 years between the age of 15 and 17, and my mother allowed me to drink since I was 15 so as soon as I ht 18 and could legally I made the choice not too. I've done none of the above since I was 18 and have been 10 years straight edge. I don't have promiscuous sex ever either - I've had two boyfriends, one for 2 years And the other is Owen, we've been together over 10 years now with two babies to show for it .
I'm thankful for what I have. And I count my blessings however small but I do wish that this event could be erased from my memory.
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